Having been thrown back onto my undergraduate campus in the past couple of days and reliving warm, happy memories, the longing for that time of my life teased back into my heart in a way I hadn't felt for some time. It's amazing what places and people can do -- who needs time machines?
That little college bubble was so small and safe. Everyone who wanted to could feel important and fulfilled within the community. And maybe that's part of the reason why it took me so long to warm up to San Francisco as a place. My actual school is smaller than my undergrad, but the city itself is enormous (comparatively speaking) and anonymity becomes the primary mode of existence.
I think I have gotten used to that more than I realized though. This break has been a perfect well, break, from the daily grind of school and I feel ready to go back. But more than that I'm finding I miss the public transportation (...almost), the constant shifting of sounds, faces, scents, sky, the placement of my small grad school community within a larger playground to explore and interact with. Home is close-knit and comfortable. Year by year I have expanded my world and, for one of the first times, being home has felt small to a point that I am not sure that it is where I want to end up when I graduate. The scary question - at least, scary to me for whatever reason - of complacency looms. Will coming back keep me back?
It's up to me to A) decide where I'm going and B) wherever I go, make sure that doesn't happen. I am strong enough in heart, head, and soul to know that I can barrel through all of the looming uncertainties but ... it's hard to put the blinders on and trust that my feet will end up on the right path when there are so many paths to choose from.
Embrace the unknown. Trust that it will all be right in time. Keep growing.
Love&Harmony,
Erin
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