Precious Moments

Every so often in the last few months I have been hit with the sudden notion of how precious the moments I am experiencing are.  Not all of them; really, not most of them.  Today in Albert Herring rehearsal was one of those moments.

It was casual - just running musical spots before putting Act III on its feet in the space we will be performing in.  My friends were all facing our conductor and concentrating on all of those fast and tricky entrances when the grown-ups interrogate Albert about his crrrrazy night.

Then a chilling thought that these moments with these people are going to end very, very soon.

And then another chill of excitement at all of the potential contained on that stage.

We are all so young and who can tell where we will end up?  We have grown so much together in the last couple of years.  We also have much more to discover and achieve.

This is not the end; it is merely another beginning.

It's squirmy and writhing in the pit of my stomach.  It slithers in the back of my head.  It wraps around my heart and squeezes ever so slowly.  

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of the black hole I sense looming before me.  I can't even see it yet, but I know that it's lurking, just around a few bends in the road.  My steps are reluctant and weighted.  I want each day to be as long as it can, to turn the hourglass back.

I'm trusting.

In spite of my fear, I want to go on.  I know what's ahead will be good, though not easy.  I might need even more strength than it takes for me to keep my feet on the path right now.  I feel hands holding me and lifting me.  I will keep holding those hands and they will not let go.

Comfort/Complacency

Having been thrown back onto my undergraduate campus in the past couple of days and reliving warm, happy memories, the longing for that time of my life teased back into my heart in a way I hadn't felt for some time.  It's amazing what places and people can do -- who needs time machines?

That little college bubble was so small and safe.  Everyone who wanted to could feel important and fulfilled within the community.  And maybe that's part of the reason why it took me so long to warm up to San Francisco as a place.  My actual school is smaller than my undergrad, but the city itself is enormous (comparatively speaking) and anonymity becomes the primary mode of existence.

I think I have gotten used to that more than I realized though.  This break has been a perfect well, break, from the daily grind of school and I feel ready to go back.  But more than that I'm finding I miss the public transportation (...almost), the constant shifting of sounds, faces, scents, sky, the placement of my small grad school community within a larger playground to explore and interact with.  Home is close-knit and comfortable.  Year by year I have expanded my world and, for one of the first times, being home has felt small to a point that I am not sure that it is where I want to end up when I graduate.  The scary question - at least, scary to me for whatever reason - of complacency looms.  Will coming back keep me back?

It's up to me to A) decide where I'm going and B) wherever I go, make sure that doesn't happen.  I am strong enough in heart, head, and soul to know that I can barrel through all of the looming uncertainties but ... it's hard to put the blinders on and trust that my feet will end up on the right path when there are so many paths to choose from.

Embrace the unknown.  Trust that it will all be right in time.  Keep growing.

Love&Harmony,
Erin