O moonlight!

The song of my soul glides on the steadiness of moonbeams

To meet your eyes in the velvet darkness of these sleeping hours.

Let the light of my melody caress your longing heart.

Let the echo of my lingering kiss brush your hungering lips.

O moonlight!  I envy you, for you smile upon my beloved,

While I must wrap my kisses up in your beams to reach him.

Faithful watcher over the darkness, lightener of the stars,

Please sing my love letters to his eyes with your gentle light.

Number Infinity

Number the stars in the sky,
The waves of the sea,
The snowflakes upon the mountains --
In these you will find my love for you,
Infinite and beyond height and depth.

Count the stars, the sea, and snow.
Number infinity -
Only then will you find and know
The end of my love for you -
Impossible and beyond time and existence.

The Essence of Time

Break each day down to hours,
Each hour to minutes,
Each minute to seconds,
Until we've reached mere moments --
The essence of time.

My every moment is filled
with the connection between our hearts.
And so it is that you have made
Love
The essence of my time.

4.33

Weddings

It is just wonderful to see two people who love each other so much - who accept one another in every way and complete each other.  I can't ever hate being at a wedding. :)

Happiness Is...

"... anyone and anything at all, that's loved by you."  - "Happiness Is" from You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown

I really think it's hard to not find happiness in any given day.  There is always some bit of light that can peek through; it's a matter of not closing our eyes to it -- allowing it to reach our gaze, even when it feels like we're under dark skies. And the best part is passing that little bit of light we discover on to others, through a word, a gesture, or even just a smile. We can all be a bit of someone else's daily happiness. What a happy thought. :)

Bits of my happiness today:
Rain
Sun
Blue sky
Clouds
Mountains
Cooking successfully
Ice cream
Easy drives
Holding hands
Singing
Surprise pianos

<3

L.O.V.E.

Was made for me and you. :)

Sometimes very little needs to be said.

Starlit Dreams

She let go of an anticipatory breath,
Lungs releasing a thousand pinpricks of light
That filled the night sky of her dreams
With a soft glow of incandescent happiness.

Gone Tomorrow

"Where are we going, what are we doing?

Is this the life that we have chosen?

When will we know, what will we have to show,

If we are gone tomorrow?"

- "Open Windows" by The Good Lovelies

The Good Lovelies have a new album out - Burn the Plan - which was my birthday present to myself!  And it was this song that struck me as particularly special on my drive home tonight, on the close of my 24th birthday.

If I was gone tomorrow, what would I have to show?  What do I want my life to leave behind?  Maybe these are slightly, ah, morbid reflections for a birthday.  But in one way, it's the start of another year of my life; a mid-summer New Year's if you will, and therefore an arguably appropriate (good?) time for such thoughts.

So: What do I want my life to show, if I were gone tomorrow?

I want to leave the world and the people in it who are a part of my life fuller when my song is through.  

I want to help people know their own worth, to cherish it in them, and help them treasure it themselves.  

I want to inspire people to see all of the beautiful parts of our miraculous existence and to find the beauty in the parts where it isn't so obvious.  

I want to have approached my life choices confidently, and also carefully, knowing that they were the best for me and those I care most deeply about.  

I want to leave behind my love song for life and have the melody linger on in the hearts of my family and friends.

23 You've Been Good to Me

23, you've been good to me:

Enjoyed San Francisco city life
Gave a graduate recital from the heart

Earned a Master's degree

Made new dear friends
Got a paying music job
Moved back to Seattle
Learned to further appreciate good beer
Slowly learned to cook more things
Made a website and business cards
Gained more self-confidence in all areas
Found the love of my life.

24, let's see what you've got.

Something So Little

Today I had to make a choice.
I fought a battle.
I'm letting go
of that little voice
who looks in the mirror with me and says,
"How could someone want you?"

A lot of days,
more so than ever before,
it's nowhere to be found.
It sneaks back around, though,
occasionally,
trying to break through my defenses,
preying on old wounds.

I am much more than
how I appear.
And yet, how I appear is also
a part of my "much more" --
and if I let that
little voice
question my much-ness,
my more becomes less.

So I fought to
let go,
because I will not be diminished
by something
so
little.

Goosebumps

Knowing a
Truth
to the core of my being;
this is knowing
Love --
one given for all
and one shared.
Two moments of
goosebumps
today.

Hummingbirds and Butterflies

You can't always take a picture of life's small moments that make you catch your breath., like the fragile and beautiful magic of hummingbirds and butterflies.  You simply have to enjoy the fleeting moment while it lasts.  If you're fumbling for your camera, you'll likely miss most of the precious seconds you have of just being present and experiencing such a wonderful piece of creation.  Practice making a memory instead.

Surprises

Surprises are fun.  Particularly when you surprise yourself!  I painted a picture tonight that I am actually proud of! And I have always maintained that I could never do such a thing.  But, really, I thought I couldn't.

So, my advising thought for the day: try something new and let yourself be surprised.  :)

Cats

Cats are funny.  At least, these cats I'm pet sitting are funny.  The kitten finds everything I own very fascinating and smelly.  The oldest one couldn't care less about me unless I'm about to feed him, which he loudly reminds me about when it's time to do so.  The middle one is very curious about me and my things but runs away the moment I look at him and smile... haha.  I think they are having a kitty conference downstairs, silently discussing where all of their normal humans went, who I could possibly be, and if it's time to take over the world.

Good thing there's a dog in the house.  :)

(The) Trouble (with) Sleeping

Had trouble sleeping --
Somehow awake in a dream,
A sweet dream of you.

Driving

What would the roads be like if everyone drove exactly like you do?  

Just a thought that crossed my mind today on one of my many commutes and really something worth considering.

Also... I missed driving when in SF.  Definitely over that now.

Is it weird to say that part of me really misses MUNI?  At least, the good parts, of which there are more than regular SF-ers might realize!... (I think.) :)

The Nerve to Plan

It takes nerve to make plans.

After reading a lengthy and apparently well-informed article about the imminent doom of my beloved Pacific Northwest home in the face of an impending ("one in three chance in the next ten years" stuck out at me) Cascadia fault zone earthquake, I was, understandably, somewhat perturbed.  "GET OUT NOW!!  The sooner you're moved away the better!" screamed part of my brain.

Imminent or not (definitely, definitely happening -- more a question of how soon), I am here for the next two years at least.  I have my plans.  And, you know what?  I'm keeping them.

No place and no person is untouchable when it comes to life-altering events.  (Not to make us all paranoid or anything -- really!  They aren't all necessarily doom-and-gloom!  Sometimes these events can be happy things too, like getting the right job to jump-start your career or meeting the love of your life!)  Does that mean we should exist in a constant state of uncertainty?  No.  We can't.

We plan because we must assume that tomorrow is coming and that it will connect to things that happened today.  We anticipate continuing.  We want to survive and we have some sort of natural faith that we will.  So, we plan.

I love to plan!  Other than dentist appointments, it's usually exciting!  Am I ignoring impending doom?  Not really.  We're all gonna die someday, guys.  Articles like these are only scary because they wave our mortality and our ultimate lack of control over it in our faces.  Some way or another, eventually our small lights go out.

However, I think that keeping that tucked away in the back of one's mind (and occasionally having it aired out as a media sensation) ultimately only gives more meaning to our plans, our current be-ing, and our anticipation of continued existence.  We can't let it hold us back, for then what could we achieve to give meaning our brief roles in this grand scheme of things?

Let us allow our sense of mortality to help ground us, but not stall us; to not weigh us down, but give weight to our words, actions, and interactions; to help us value existence as all the more precious and make plans for tomorrow, next week, and next year that celebrate our humanity and help it move forward.

Quotes

"Being loved by someone deeply gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

 - Lao Tzu

"Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs.  What's wrong with that?  I'd like to know 'cause here I go again..."

- "Silly Love Songs" Paul McCartney

"If there's anything that you want, if there's anything I can do, just call on me and I'll send it along with love from me to you."

- "From Me to You" The Beatles

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation.  It is too long ago.  I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun."

- Pride and Prejudice Jane Austen

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you directly without problems or pride;

I love you like this because I don't know any other way to love,

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,

so close that your eyes close with my dreams."

- Sonnet XVIII Pablo Neruda

----

Sometimes my words aren't enough.  These are all wonderful in their own way, but the sonnet is my favorite, I think.  I love you.

Time

"But we ... we live and die by time and we must not commit the sin of turning our back on time."

"And I know what I have to do now.  I gotta keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise.  Who knows what the tide could bring?"

- Tom Hanks, Cast Away

Watched Cast Away tonight for the first time in many, many years and the second time ever.  Now that I fully paid attention (I was perhaps 10-12 years old the first time I saw it so ... can't blame myself) -- wow what a film.  It is stunningly poignant and, yes, C is right to consider Tom Hanks as one of the best actors out there.  (Not that I doubted him, but I find his point proven upon this perusal.)  :)  And the cinematography has some fantastic shots and transitions.  I would love to analyze the use and symbolism of light in the film sometime.  Just spectacular.

But the quotes above and the end of the film have me contemplating time.  How every moment is but an instant - gone in a flash.  And how we are always looking forward.  Part of us must always be looking forward in time, whether for sheer survival or out of want -- necessity or desire.  Yet at the same time, we can only be in each present moment and to not exist fully in each instant robs us of some portion of our potential.  Is this "the sin of turning our back on time?" Losing it?  

How can we live each moment to its fullest, though, without looking past some of them to the future, to where we want them to lead?  And with that, how can we not look back on past moments to learn how to build the present ones towards the future we need or desire?  I think, simply put, we can't.  We must simply achieve whatever balance is right for the given point of our lives, and this balance can change as quickly as we wish it.  Some of life is lived forward, some lived now.  So long as we are not living backwards, we are making something of our time -- living by it, or rather with it.  

For, though I've been told and have contemplated how time is man-made (which yes, the measurement of it is), existence undeniably moves forward with each sunrise, each breath we take, hurtling toward what some label entropy, while others call it the Way or a Grand Design, and still others simply consider being.  Man has not made this.  We exist with it, which means finding whatever it takes to motivate us to keep breathing.

Just thoughts.

I Cannot Fathom

I cannot fathom how I have come to deserve such a love as You have given me.  

Oh that I could find the words of my heart to express the joy I feel that You and I are We.

It is more than joy; more than exhilaration; more than any happiness that I could ever name --

This knowing that in some inexplicable way, You and I, We are somehow one and the same.

I Have No Idea

There's just too much to say for a wonderful day like today.  :)  Great friendship and love = hooray!

(Sorry for the rhyming kick... but not really.)

"Why does my nose itch?"
"Why do I have the hiccups?"
"These are the big life questions we must consider."

-------
Beyond general silliness:

I am just immeasurably grateful for the constancy that is present in these lasting relationships in my life ... where each person, as well as the relationship itself, has room to grow and change with time, but the heart of what makes the pairing special remains rooted in the true spark of where it began.

Blank

Too tired.
Busy mind.
Happy heart.
Blank brain.
The end.

Musician's Prayer

"Oh Lord, please bless this music that it might glorify your name. May the talent that you have bestowed upon me be used only to serve you.

Let this music be a witness to your majesty and love, and remind us that you are always watching, and listening, from your throne above.

May your presence and beauty be found in every note, and may the words that are sung reach the hearts of your people so they will draw closer to you.

May your Spirit guide us through every measure so that we might be the instruments of your peace, and proclaim your glory with glad voices."

Found: here

-----

The sun was a fiery orange tonight as it lit the sky over R's memorial service, its burning color a product of the summer wildfires to the east.  But my heart and hands were burning, too, lit with a fire of the Holy Spirit, who was reaching out to comfort those in mourning. 

I have little to give -- especially tonight where I was singing in front of more strangers than friends.  However, what I can give, what I have been so absolutely blessed to be able to give, is music.  Music that reaches hearts, that uplifts grieving souls, and that I sincerely hope inspires people to sing as well.  I am grateful for thanks and kind words after a service, but beyond my own "thank you" for people who take the time to share their experiences with me, often the only other words I have are that "I'm glad to serve."  My heart is filled from witnessing such an immense and unending Love and sharing it with people in a way that inspires emotion ... emotion that I know comes from an understanding of such Love as well. 

That's why I found these words of this prayer so perfect and grounding before tonight's service.  "Let this music be a witness to your majesty and love... May your presence and beauty be found in every note, and may the words that are sung reach the hearts of your people so they will draw closer to you." 

I am called to be a witness to and to share the presence of Unending Love -- how can I keep from singing?

Today

Today was okay
At times even gay
And that is all that
I would like to say.
Hooray.
:P

Daydreams

Daydreams
     float
               across my mind--
         
          Specks
of 
          dust
               glinting in the
          golden sunlight
               of
          fondly recalled
     afternoons;

you 
     have
               a good
     remember...

          I should
get
     on with
               the day
                         ahead.
         
          No one but
me
     here
               to finish the
          work.

     Though,
through
          it all
     I will
               daydream
     of
          you.

God's Power in Loss

Reflecting on the pain and anguish of a life lost far too soon as I prepared music for a memorial service early next week, it came to me that God's hand does play a part in such a sad happening. However, it is not the event itself.
Rather, God's hand - the Way, the Truth, and Light- is shown in the outpouring of love and community that occurs as fellow humans reach out to uphold those who are hurting. In my small way, the music for the service, I pray that I can contribute to this beautiful expression of God's love for the people who have lost and are grieving.

Knowing

Knowing
that I can be
Entirely Myself
and
not fear
being Too Much
or
Not Enough
is
enough for me.

Take Me as I Am

"Take me as I am."
That is all we really want:
Love - no conditions.

An Edge of Light

Every so often when driving at night, I notice the edges of my headlights as I make my way (usually) home.  It fascinates a small part of me to see how the darkness melts away in the approach of that edge of light.  The black pools of shadow burn to nothing in the yellow glow.

It struck me tonight that this is a good metaphor for people.  We are all bits of light making our way towards futures that, while perhaps laid out on a paved road, exist as pools of darkness, of unknown possibilities.  Sometimes another bit of light comes along our path - it could be from any angle - and that person either shines their light on where we have been or where we are going, helping us along our way.  And, as much as others help melt away the darkness of our lives, we are also able to melt away the darkness around theirs.  In some cases, we can never know how much we light the way for someone in an hour of need.

This is why it is so important for us to believe in our own lights and keep them shining.  We are all so powerful and full of potential to help share goodness and light in our world, no matter what size that light may be.

Let yourself shine - even the edges of light drive the darkness away.