Be Held

You shall be provided for,
My child, my child.
Behold the One who loves you
And simply
Be held.

Let go of your own ways,
Your own striving,
Your own pushing and pulling,
Your trying to be,
And simply
Be held.

Be held
In the Way
In the Truth
In the Light
In the Sacred Heart.
Simply
Be held.

Autumn

the Storm has blown Autumn

into the Souls of my Bones;

Cold and Color, Rain and Wind

are rooting into my very Marrow.

Red and Golden

my Heart lies open,

like the Leaves clinging to Limbs --

ready for Change.

Lack of Motivation

What motivates people to do something?   Because there is something in it for them.  Which sounds selfish, but it's true.  Even good deeds make us feel good, useful, helpful... so we get some positive reinforcement out of the experience and maybe want to keep helping others.

But for a set of interesting characters, just doing good deeds for the joy of helping others is not exactly compelling novel material.

Can you tell I'm stuck trying to plot character motivations?

One of them can just be in it to help her friend.  But the others?  Are practically, if not entirely, strangers.  What will each of them get out of helping someone on their quest?

Pondering, pondering, pondering...

Feel free to share any suggestions.  Really, folks!  :)

Novel Idea

The novel ideas are churning churning churning!

Coming into an eclectic and exciting mix of characters, their relationships, their purposes, their changes through facing challenges together... 

And all of their stories seem to be existing around the idea that we as people contain qualities of light and shadow. Our thoughts, actions, and reactions to the world around us determine which of these forces ultimately takes over our hearts and our futures.

Love of My Life

You are the love of my life.

What does this mean?

My traditional understanding: You give me the greatest earthly love I have ever known and ever will know.

A thought that is wonderful and true!

But it hit me this morning that it can mean more than that; it means that I have shared and will share every part of my life with you. I will not keep things from you, even when I am afraid or ashamed to admit them to you (and perhaps in doing so admit them to myself). I will give my life to you joyously, without apprehension or doubt. And I will do this because you are the love of my life - you love every part of who I have been, am, and shall become. Every aspect of my life is yours and you take it - me - with a full and open heart.

There is only one other love like this. May we always strive to be a reflection of such divine Love. For we are not two, but three - One has brought the other two together. 

Love of my life, I love you.

Luc

I am never honest.

So I try to surround myself with honest people.  Their openness, their sincerity, their stark goodness are all a refreshing change from everything I know and am.

And it's easy to hurt them and cut ties when I have to move on.  They never want me back and it's better when I go, so I don't destroy them.

I am a liar, a cheat, and a thief.  I am the powerless son of a dark wizard who loathes me.  But I know his secrets and I made him need me.

-------
Characters talking in my head!  Always exciting.  :)

Heartsong

Hear my heart

As it sings your name

A glorious melody

That's never the same.

For each passing day

Is made wonderfully new

In sharing the song

Made from loving you.

Nothing

There is nothing.
Black - C to N - Blank
Void - add De - Devoid
          of substance or the substantial.

Beginnings without starts
No middles or ends --
Just non-sequitur fragments,
Threads of thought
Refusing to be grasped.

----------

Writer's block.  Or maybe more like harsh writers's judgement today.  So, this instead of the characters that were creating lines in my brain.  One of those days.

8/23 - Seven Days

I'm dedicating seven days to bits of change.  Seven days, for now at least.  Maybe (hopefully) leading to more.

That's all for this Sunday.

Thoughts on Cheating

Tell me how cheating and infidelity can possibly save a marriage?!

The wife of the CEO of cheating website Ashley Madison has a quote from 2013 in an article in today's Seattle Times saying, "I would be devastated if [my husband] did it to me.  But I would not blame a website.  Ashley Madison is not creating cheaters.  It is servicing a need that is there, that exists."  The site and its awful nature have been all over the news lately due to a hacking scandal that has started raking public figures across the coals, most prominently Josh Duggar (who is not liked by anyone I know...).  He certainly won't be the last either, I am sure.  That extent of the situation was all I really knew; then I read this article today and just got mad.

Ok.  I will give her the point that the website is not to blame (mostly).  It is a tool for a decision and action that its users are making and they and their ideas and actions are what are at fault.  However, the question that is left in my mind is HOW can anyone profit from enabling obviously unhealthy relationships to further corrode without any apparent sense of remorse or guilt?  And how hypocritical is it to even be remotely involved in earning from offers of/occurrences of infidelity when that issue would "devastate" your marriage?!

What makes me more livid, though, is this twisted idea that cheating could save a marriage.  Sure, its occurrence and discovery would obviously get some issues out into the air.  But all it really comes down to is that cheating, no matter who does it or how or why, is just a harmful "solution" of avoiding any sort of real work at solving issues that can crop up in (what is supposed to be) a lifelong commitment to another person.  There is so much that can be said and done before reaching that point and even when "that point" is reached, there is no way to justify infidelity as a "right" decision.

(I suppose if both partners felt that they needed to "cheat" and agreed to do it together, that could be, well, ... a thing.... but then it's not actually cheating...)

I am not married.  But I will be someday.  I am lucky to have examples of strong marriages all around me, in my parents, relatives, and friends.  I also know people in my life whose marriages have ended.  If that is what needs to happen for the betterment of all involved, I don't think that is an absolutely terrible thing.  And for the people I know who have experienced this, it has ultimately resulted in a happier life for them.  But it comes out of working towards betterment, before just giving up.  And cheating is in NO way, EVER going to create something better out of a hard situation.  The giving up of marital intimacy, a closeness that has been shared and agreed upon between two people, to another person can only result in broken trust, which maybe can be healed, though, again, with work.

There is not a perfect marriage.  And temptation can rear its ugly head in unanticipated ways that can never be predicted on "the happiest day" of one's life.  But the whole point of the marriage commitment is just that - commitment; committing to choosing that person you have promised yourself to over anything else: choosing them in good times and bad, and in those bad times, the hard times, choosing to work through and fight for them in the midst of all of the things the world throws at you.

Cheating can only ever be breaking that promise.

8/21 - Praying for Rain

Lord,

Rain down your mercy,

Your compassion,

Your healing, 

Upon a people longing for relief

From the burning of all they know.

Renew the earth and

Quench the fires 

That are taking life 

And beauty from all around us.

Thank you for the service

Of all of the men and women

Who are battling the flames.

Allow those fighting fires

To find relief and rest

To make a difference

And keep your hand over them 

To keep them safe.

Send the rain, Lord,

Please send the rain.

Amen.

8/20 - Thursday Thoughts

I'm a bit behind.  But really I have written posts for the past couple of days in my head -- it's just the whole getting them down business that has been slightly off. WORK and LIFE!  Ok?  Ok.  Moving on...

---------

Thursday morning I came across this article in my Facebook feed:

"This quick-thinking teen cleverly befriended a woman's kidnapper to save her"

and I'm so happy I did.  I generally enjoy Upworthy posts, though I don't click into every one that passes by on my screen.  Occasionally they seem to go in waves where they post sensationalist, click-bait titles, which turns me off from finding out more, even though I know their material is always uplifting.  But I stopped and clicked for this one.

What an incredible young man.  He sensed something was wrong in the situation he came across and he took action.  I can't say that I would have done the same thing, or that most people would have done the same thing.  Granted, he felt relatively safe enough to involve himself in the situation, which I probably would not have - and it is always important to maintain your own safety in order to be most effective in helping others - but my broader point is that he involved himself at all.

I finished the article remembering the little motto "If you see something, say something."  How much does it take for us just to say something - a "How are you?"  "Is everything okay?"  It really, really doesn't take anything at all.  And you never know the impact you will make.

Earlier this week, I was presented with my own opportunity where I saw and sensed something wrong and could have said something, and I didn't.  I should have.  Luckily (though also unfortunately, for it involved someone being injured), I was given the chance to respond to the situation again just a few minutes later.  But if I had said something the first time, when I sensed that something was wrong, perhaps things could have gotten taken care of that much sooner.

For the record, everything turned out okay. But in the first moments, my sense of something being wrong triggered two reactions in me.  The first one was to ask if everything was ok.  The second, however, was concern for my well-being in a possibly odd situation, and I used that as an excuse to justify my way out of it.  "Oh well I've got to go into work."  "I'm by myself and this is weird."  ... and so on.  This Thursday article, though, inspires me to perhaps follow up with that first instinct a little bit more often because, in most cases, it will be just fine to simply ask if everything is ok.

The Dark

My overactive imagination gets the better of me in the dark, even at age 24.  Driving home on the pitch-black, semi-rural backroads that lead back to my little suburban town, I'm always imagining seeing things pop out of the dark.  Last week there was a guy walking along the road.  Luckily I saw him from far away with my high beams, but when I realized that I wasn't just seeing something I was hypothetically anxious about, my heart nearly stopped for a moment.

What is so scary about the dark?  Not knowing what's there? The lurking things that we make up in our heads?  Both, I'd say.  But we have to head into the dark sometimes, especially when we want to get all the way back home.  And while the scary things are certainly intimidating to imagine, more often than not they are just that - imaginary.  For those times when they are real, well, then it's smart to be navigating with those high beams, staying alert to keep to the path towards where you want to go.

8/18 - There Will Be Babies

I see you, high school drama kids.  I see you gathered as your happy little family on the couch while the lame old adults sit outside. I remember being where you are right now.  No, not on the couch, unless we're making a time metaphor out of the very real, non-metaphorical couch.  Actually, maybe we should do that.

You're going to graduate - in one year from now, two, maybe three.  There will be more shows, more cast parties, and plenty of laughter and camaraderie focused around that couch.  Then, you'll walk across that stage and take your fake diploma (keep your grades up to get the real one!), there might be one or two more drama parties in the summer, and then you'll all get off of that couch - literally and metaphorically.  

Life will take everyone lots of places.  The three people who always seemed to get leads will all major in something besides theatre.  Two to five of you will stick to the performing world.  Any of those choices are okay (here's where I say follow your heart)!  People will go to college, join the Peace Corp, get married, study abroad and stay in Europe, stay put and work at the local grocery store, join bands, move one city over, and on and on.  

But nothing will prepare you for that drama kid party you get invited to 5 or 6 years later.  You won't recognize most of the faces - the freshmen you knew have all graduated by now, too.  Your stomach will feel upset later from too much sugar (I know, a tragedy).  You will enjoy seeing old friends and hearing about what they're doing.  Most people you remember won't show up, but a few will.  These things, however, are all manageable to bear as you revisit that old couch.

But I warn you: there will be babies.

And nothing can prepare you, or the couch, for babies.

----

*Side note, I love babies!  I want my own someday!  But when they're involved with old high school memories, things just get to feeling.... old.  ;)

8/17 - Little Things

It was a day of little things: small tasks accomplished, little laughs and smiles, bits of wonder at the beauty of the earth.

Little things, but great joy.

<3

8/16 - Shifts in Eternity

I heard a bit of an interview on the radio today where the interviewee (a lead singer of a Christian band) expressed his hope to help people hearing the band's work to discover shifts in their eternities. Of course, he meant understandings of the Lord in their lives, but hearing such a phrase made me pause and think of what my own shifts of eternity might be.

The day my sister was born.

The first day I felt truly moved by the Holy Spirit.

The days I met Haley, Charissa, Hannah, Stephanie, Debora, Ellen, and Collin.

The glorious light I felt after changing my major to Vocal Performance at PLU.

The sheer joy of my acceptance call to SFCM.

May 19, 2015.

And there are more to come, I know. :)

What beautiful life moments these are in my heart, these shifts in my existence. And such shifts happen every day, through the quiet Spirit that whispers what is good and right to our hearts. I pray that we always listen and hear the calls that shift our eternities for the better.

8/15 - Afternoon Light

The afternoon light is soft,

Clear and true,

The way my entire being feels

Resting in your loving gaze.

My heart reaches for you

As my arms cannot,

So I will caress your cheek

Through the gentle touch of the afternoon light.

8/14 - How Great Thou Art

"Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee: how great Thou art! How great Thou art!"

These words were resonating in my soul today as I felt the cool relief of rain in the air and on the earth. We will always be provided for. What a comfort.

Mother's Love - 8/13

I took my car in for an oil change and ended up staying an hour and twenty minutes (on the dot!) in the waiting room, which was luckily quite comfortable.  A mother was there with her three (!) young boys - one probably about 4 and a pair of 10 month old twins! What a handful!!! But they were all incredibly sweet, really, with the big brother being very good about keeping an eye on at least one twin when mom had to go talk to the service guys a couple different times. 

But the moment that struck me was when she was standing up from her chair, a babe in a front carrier, another in her left arm, and the third child deciding that now was the perfect time to latch onto her back. She simply held them all on her body for a moment, just like that, bearing the weight of these three little ones. And I was struck in that moment by such a visual representation of parental love, particularly a mother's love - one that is self-sacrificing, gentle, and so enveloping. She handled that moment gracefully and with joy. It was just a beautiful thing to witness and hopefully have myself, someday. :)

Chin Up -8/12

By the time I was at work this morning after my regular 30-minute commute, I was ready to write an entire post about my pet peeves, specifically bad, aggressive drivers. I grumbled getting out of the car and started my walk with my eyes down at the sidewalk. But my gaze was drawn to the sky and I stopped in my tracks.

"Chin up," said the voice in my heart. 

Look what I might have missed if I kept in my own head about how upset I was. There is so much glory and beauty in our surroundings, in the people we encounter. If we let the bad drivers bring us down, and believe me - my day was not done with its share of bad drivers - we'll miss the rays of sun breaking through overhead.

August - 8/11

The heavy scent of decaying blackberries, dripping off sun-browned vines,

Humid evenings when the orange glow of the sunset presses around bare skin,

The sudden greying of clouds overhead, bursting with rain in a flash and rumble,

Sweet relief when overcast skies cool the air and lean towards the promise of autumn--

Mid-August.

This Moment

In this moment

We are forever.

The Little I Know

I know very little in this ancient and vast world, full of diverse and complicated lives that collide with one another. But I am convinced that everything happens to us for a reason. Lines can be traced between our decisions, some big, some small, leading to where we are now. And many times when we are most questioning where life has led us, we are simply in the middle of one of those threads of decisions and we just need to keep holding on and pulling forward to find the end we were being led towards all along. 

And at the end of each of those lines is an answer we seek, about ourselves, our pasts, our futures - what to do, where to go, who to be and become. Each of those strings, those answers, over our time on earth, forms the grand tapestry of our life. And all of our individual stories weave together into the larger pattern of existence that is both flawed and beautiful.

There is purpose to your life; the answers will be there, even when it seems like they won't. Stay patient, strong, and true to yourself and surround yourself with people who will help you when you feel like you can't. We are all worthy of such love, for it is the love between us all that weaves our whole world together.

Late

For yesterday!

I can't say whether time

Flies or stops

When I'm with you.

All I know is I lose all sense

Of its passing

As we spend it together.

Nanowrimo!

For the first time since hearing about Nanowrimo, I won't be in school -- meaning I'll be theoretically able to give it a shot in November and write 50,000 words!!

Much excitement. :)

The One

You were never the one.

Even once I convinced myself that I cared

So much

About you.

I still do, just not

In the way I once hoped for.

But you were never the one.

I thought you might be the one.

Just for a short while

After saying things I thought 

I meant

But didn't, really.

For a while I tried so hard but

You weren't the one.

You are the one.

I never thought I'd know the way 

I do

But I do, and I have

From the moment when everything 

Came to light.

I know it's you. 

You are the one.

The Voice in My Heart

Love this world as you love each other:
Honestly, fervently, selflessly.

Love this world as you love your work:
Passionately, with dedication, with perseverance.

Love this world as you are loved:
Without judgement, wholly, and infinitely.

Tomorrow

"Tomorrow is a fresh, new day with no mistakes in it." - Anne of Green Gables

Not that today had a lot of mistakes or anything... It was really quite fine. Just fine. But I am reminded that it is these "just fine" days that help the most wonderful ones truly stand out. :)
The other thing, of course, is that each day is what you make of it. It is the attitudes we ultimately choose to react with that make or break any given situation. And, while today I did just fine, tomorrow is a fresh start in choosing joy as my approach to life. 

So here's to tomorrow.

Evening Prayer

I will hang my hopes on the stars
Suspended in the black blanket of night,
For in those distant lights
I feel the Infinity that is waiting for us.

I stood still in the temperate evening
Feeling my heart beat in time
With the spinning of the earth
Beneath the darkened Heaven.

(In this moment, I felt Forever.)

We are two pinpricks
In this vast and immeasurable existence,
Shining separately and now burning brighter,
Having been brought together.

But we are not alone.
We are surrounded by lights,
Laid in a grand scheme of unending sky,
Answering hopes with our infinitesimal Infinity.

I Want to Cry

I want to cry

And yell

And laugh

All at once!

For I am overcome by

The adoration for life

Awakened within this soul

By the pure taste of

Joy

That loving you brings.

Seed

A seed sown in mid-May

Warmed in the summer sun

Peeked through in October rain

Wintered the cold months

And bloomed in mid-May.

<3

Tonight/Tomorrow

Tonight/
I shall be an adult...
I shall brush my teeth.
I shall wash my face.
I shall slip on pajamas.
I will put away my laundry.
I will pick up my shoes.
I will hang up my skirt.
I will be an adult...
/Tomorrow