11/28 - no

no
push away tomorrow
morning you are
going
with each tear
ripping through the
heart
of the matter
whats the matter
is i cant stop
i cant stop
i cant stop
time
theres no
time
to stop
tomorrow
no time
no

11/27 - Don't Let Go

I'm holding
tight
to the moment
Too tight
because I don't
want to let go
But it only seems
to move faster
than if
I let it be
So I will let it go
hoping it won't
let go of me.

A Year Ago

A year ago I would not have guessed how in love I would be today.

A year ago I could not have known that such feelings were even possible.

A year ago I had just started getting to know you.

Oh to think of a year from now and all that is yet to be known!

I love you - every day, for every year of the rest of our lives.

Bright Heart

Bright heart

Shining in the dark places

Seeking out the shadows

To banish them with hope

Leading down the dreampath

Up to the upside 

Around the agony

Towards togetherness

Beating hard

Bearing hurt

Bringing heaven

Bright heart

26

Twenty-six days.
Vingt-six jours.
Sechsundzwanzig Tage.
Ventisei giorni.

:)

10/24 - Happiness Limbo

It's not unhappiness.  So it must be happiness?  Somehow it cannot be neither.  So, simply, I come to the thought that it is merely a dissatisfaction with the way things are.  Though, really, things are fine.  Good, even! Blessings!  But I'm not where I want to end up being.  I'm not doing what I want to end up doing.  I take now as it is, because it is so much better than whatever else I could have (or could not have) been doing, but that doesn't mean I have to stay here.

So I won't.  

10/21 - Resting

Ah, a day of rest.
Exhausted mid-week but time,
Time rests for no one.

The Weight of Days

I feel the weight of days.

Sometimes they are pearls,

Treasures, pure and light.

Sometimes they are stones,

Too heavy, burdens on the heart.

Only time shall shift stone into pearl.

So I shall let it pass, joyously.

I shall assemble a string of pearls,

Strung on memories and invaluable,

Heavy with the weight of days.

10/11 Child of Time and Eternity

Every person is a child of time and eternity,
At once in the here and now,
But also living for
What is to come.
May the Love that is longing for us
Be the One to show us
The glories of eternity,
And guide our hearts
To make the joys of eternity
Reach every moment
Of the here and now.

Joyous Moment

In this joyous moment

I dream of joyous days

Of joyous months and years

That lie ahead 

For two joyous hearts

That have been joyously

Intertwined.

8/18 - There Will Be Babies

I see you, high school drama kids.  I see you gathered as your happy little family on the couch while the lame old adults sit outside. I remember being where you are right now.  No, not on the couch, unless we're making a time metaphor out of the very real, non-metaphorical couch.  Actually, maybe we should do that.

You're going to graduate - in one year from now, two, maybe three.  There will be more shows, more cast parties, and plenty of laughter and camaraderie focused around that couch.  Then, you'll walk across that stage and take your fake diploma (keep your grades up to get the real one!), there might be one or two more drama parties in the summer, and then you'll all get off of that couch - literally and metaphorically.  

Life will take everyone lots of places.  The three people who always seemed to get leads will all major in something besides theatre.  Two to five of you will stick to the performing world.  Any of those choices are okay (here's where I say follow your heart)!  People will go to college, join the Peace Corp, get married, study abroad and stay in Europe, stay put and work at the local grocery store, join bands, move one city over, and on and on.  

But nothing will prepare you for that drama kid party you get invited to 5 or 6 years later.  You won't recognize most of the faces - the freshmen you knew have all graduated by now, too.  Your stomach will feel upset later from too much sugar (I know, a tragedy).  You will enjoy seeing old friends and hearing about what they're doing.  Most people you remember won't show up, but a few will.  These things, however, are all manageable to bear as you revisit that old couch.

But I warn you: there will be babies.

And nothing can prepare you, or the couch, for babies.

----

*Side note, I love babies!  I want my own someday!  But when they're involved with old high school memories, things just get to feeling.... old.  ;)

Late

For yesterday!

I can't say whether time

Flies or stops

When I'm with you.

All I know is I lose all sense

Of its passing

As we spend it together.

The Essence of Time

Break each day down to hours,
Each hour to minutes,
Each minute to seconds,
Until we've reached mere moments --
The essence of time.

My every moment is filled
with the connection between our hearts.
And so it is that you have made
Love
The essence of my time.

Time

"But we ... we live and die by time and we must not commit the sin of turning our back on time."

"And I know what I have to do now.  I gotta keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise.  Who knows what the tide could bring?"

- Tom Hanks, Cast Away

Watched Cast Away tonight for the first time in many, many years and the second time ever.  Now that I fully paid attention (I was perhaps 10-12 years old the first time I saw it so ... can't blame myself) -- wow what a film.  It is stunningly poignant and, yes, C is right to consider Tom Hanks as one of the best actors out there.  (Not that I doubted him, but I find his point proven upon this perusal.)  :)  And the cinematography has some fantastic shots and transitions.  I would love to analyze the use and symbolism of light in the film sometime.  Just spectacular.

But the quotes above and the end of the film have me contemplating time.  How every moment is but an instant - gone in a flash.  And how we are always looking forward.  Part of us must always be looking forward in time, whether for sheer survival or out of want -- necessity or desire.  Yet at the same time, we can only be in each present moment and to not exist fully in each instant robs us of some portion of our potential.  Is this "the sin of turning our back on time?" Losing it?  

How can we live each moment to its fullest, though, without looking past some of them to the future, to where we want them to lead?  And with that, how can we not look back on past moments to learn how to build the present ones towards the future we need or desire?  I think, simply put, we can't.  We must simply achieve whatever balance is right for the given point of our lives, and this balance can change as quickly as we wish it.  Some of life is lived forward, some lived now.  So long as we are not living backwards, we are making something of our time -- living by it, or rather with it.  

For, though I've been told and have contemplated how time is man-made (which yes, the measurement of it is), existence undeniably moves forward with each sunrise, each breath we take, hurtling toward what some label entropy, while others call it the Way or a Grand Design, and still others simply consider being.  Man has not made this.  We exist with it, which means finding whatever it takes to motivate us to keep breathing.

Just thoughts.

Precious Moments

Every so often in the last few months I have been hit with the sudden notion of how precious the moments I am experiencing are.  Not all of them; really, not most of them.  Today in Albert Herring rehearsal was one of those moments.

It was casual - just running musical spots before putting Act III on its feet in the space we will be performing in.  My friends were all facing our conductor and concentrating on all of those fast and tricky entrances when the grown-ups interrogate Albert about his crrrrazy night.

Then a chilling thought that these moments with these people are going to end very, very soon.

And then another chill of excitement at all of the potential contained on that stage.

We are all so young and who can tell where we will end up?  We have grown so much together in the last couple of years.  We also have much more to discover and achieve.

This is not the end; it is merely another beginning.

There is no timeline!

Sweet, sweet freedom. It has always been there, but for the first time I fully realized that there is no timeline on my life. Or yours. Or anyone's.

I have been mentally battling with my personal expectations for when I should really be married by, in order to have children healthily, and yet also trying to figure out how that wouldn't throw a wrench in my career development. And all of that is crazy because I'm only 23 and a singing career just takes time. And what's even more crazy is that I don't know what I want that career to look like exactly. And, and, and...

"STOP!! THERE IS NO TIMELINE!!" said a voice in my head... (I personally go with God on that one, but y'all do your own thing. I'm ok of you think I'm nuts.)

There is no prescribed definition for how the span of my life should look. The beauty of life is in the differences between people. I already know that I can't apply any other singer's timeline of vocal development to my own - that only serves to drive one mad, believe me! In the literally same exact way, I can't compare the trajectory of my so-far-lived and my to-be-lived life to anyone else's (or my perceived ideas of the lives of others.) What an absolutely freeing idea!!

Logically, I know this is the case. It just makes sense. But with graduation looming, the mind gets into the rut of forecasting the next 25 years... at least, mine does -- every time without fail. Today was the first day that I began to (Lord knows I've got miles to go) truly internalize the concept that the only expectations I must meet are my own. When I loosen my grip on my grasp of have tos and musts, I find that I feel a pressure lifting. I can breathe and not hyperventilate. I can rest without worry. I can be where I am and let that lead to where I'm going.

Because, try as we might, we can only ever be where we are. Trying to make more happen in a time that hasn't yet come is only impossible and exhausting. I don't want to live a life of surviving the present to reach the future. The rich possibilities of the future are only there when we choose to affect the now we are in.

Luckily, that's exactly what we can do. Because, again, there is no designated plan we have to match up with, or else be outcast from a "successful" life. There aren't any expectations that are more important than your own goals and dreams. Best of all, those dreams and goals are allowed to change!

We aren't static creatures. We are meant to grow. And when we are fully allowed to grow is when we flourish -- all in our own time.

Friendship

... is best when time and distance can't change the truest parts of who you are together.  :)

Whether or Not

I looked around my life today.
I looked intently,
And made a memory.

Because these glory days are
Flying by, flying by,
These glory days are flying by,
Whether or not we see them.

I memorized the everyday spaces
The music, the laughter,
I felt how young we all are.

Because these glory days are
Flying by, flying by
These glory days are flying by
Whether or not we see them.

I want to remember
These smallest, simple moments
That make my heart smile.

Because these glory days are
Flying by, flying by,
These glory days are flying by
Whether or not we see them.